While I Should Be Lesson Planning...

I might lose everything I write within a couple of minutes, if this clunker decides to shut down again unexpectedly. But until then... I'll write. Writing, to me, is magical. And today this magic has no form or reason. It's just thoughts, as they come, jumbled and mixed up and magical.

I'm sitting in The Lab. It's this awesome little coffee shop, with hand crafted coffee. Their WiFi password is happiness. Seems fitting.

Looks like people found out my secret. They all know The Lab is now open on Sundays. Sad day. Sad, crowded, noisy coffee shop day. Bad for lesson planning. But great for stream of consciousness writing.

Knowledge of God does not equal relationship with God. I want to know more about Him, the Bible, theology... I want to study this stuff... But even more than that, I want to experience Him more. I need to know Him more intimately. I fear I can't achieve this intimacy on my own; maybe I need guidance, discipleship, someone to challenge me. It's this battle between my flesh and my spirit. And it's sad to say, but at this exact moment my flesh is winning. I hate, hate, hate this fact. But in truth, this carnal nature is what I have been serving.

And I can feel it. I can feel it but can't stop it. Well, that's not true, I can. But it's going to take power that I don't possess. The same power that my flesh is rebelling against to begin with. So I guess that first statement was right after all, I can't stop it. But He can. And I guess that's my prayer. Not that He can, but that He WILL.

What does it mean to be desperate? Oddly enough, I wish I could figure this out, wish I could find the point of desperation. To find the place where all I can do is grab hold of the only thing that can sustain me. From desperation comes the true desire for change.  Desire that goes deep enough to actually set that change in motion. Right now, I hate this flesh that is winning the battle and want to change it, but I wouldn't say that I'm exactly desperate. Not yet. But I want to be.

I want, I want, I want.

To study the Bible. To teach English to those who don't speak the language. To marry Joel. To do not only good, but the Good that God desires for me to do. To understand the difference. To evangelize. To disciple. To be discipled. To rekindle old friendships and take them deeper, and begin new ones, for the sake of the kingdom. To live a life that's even close to being worthy of the God I claim to serve. To have a warm and welcoming home where heart sharing takes place with "family" of all kinds. To write a fictional novel that is meaningful and can inspire change. To counsel people. To have a happy and healthy marriage. To help others have a happy and healthy marriage. To spend days with coffee and books and people and fulfillment. To want God more. To not want anything at all.